I have struggled as to whether I should do a post about a bad day but this is the reality of my situation sometimes I guess and maybe it will be good for me to get it out. since the moment I found out, I wanted to be an inspiration to others and a strength to others as they see me go through hell with a smile on. I wanted to be one of those people you hear about going through an overwhelming trial with this stellar attitude. But the truth is, even for those people, that parts of what we have to face really suck! I have learned today that our greatest strength can be found in our moments of greatest weakness. Here is my moment.
I really haven't had what I would call a bad day yet. I have felt bad physically but emotionally I have been super upbeat and happy. In fact I have been more grateful and filled with more joy and gratitude for the last week and a half than I have been in my whole life!! Today though has been quite a different story and I don't really know what is so different about today. I started feeling this way after they drew my blood this morning and I spoke with the doctor for a moment. He has done a great job of being positive. He only tells me the good stuff and avoids the negative even when I ask him straight questions. This is admirable but it is starting to frustrate me a lot! I read what the nurses in the hospital gave me about my type of Leukemia, Gleevac, chemotherapy, etc and it has all kinds of realities in it. I admire what the doctor is doing by being so focused on the good but I want it undiluted. Telling me the bad things that could happen does not depress me but keeping it from me is frustrating the crap out of me!! Tell me the cold hard reality; the good, the bad, and the ugly!! knowing the reality brings out the fight in me and gives me something to beat. I am a passionate person. I need a target! I need something to overcome!!! Give me a face for this thing other than my own!! Wow, in writing that I see that overcoming myself is probably the best solution.
I have never been what one might consider a rebellious person. I never snuck out as a kid or teenager, I have still never drank alcohol, I never once skipped school, etc. I was a bit crazy sometimes but not a rebel. I am finding with me though that the rebel comes out for the underdog. The one who has to beat the odds that are stacked against him. Don't tell me a thing cannot be done when I beleive it can be!! I will show you it can be done! My attitude becomes, "just watch me!"
I have felt pinned up today. I want to mow my lawn and get back to work!! I want to go running or build something!! The Bible warns against idleness and I can see why! It is depressing! A person needs a sense of accomplishment to remain up beat!
I have felt like a whiner today at times and I am so anti whiner that I am getting annoyed with my own whining!! Its a downward spiral. Moving on.
The future is so hard to plan right now!! I know I'm gonna live but what is life gonna be like for me, for my family, etc? what am I actually dealing with here? I guess the reality is that none of us know the future so an ambiguous future was the case before I found out I had leukemia as much as it is now. none of us know if we'll die in a car wreck tomorrow. We all face that everyday. I have heard it said that faith is knowing the good will come of whatever happens to us. I know that is true.
I am starting to feel better now. I'm like a woman these days; anemic, emotional, and don't need solutions, I just need to talk. Oooo, I think I am starting to feel better!
Well, if you have read to this point I hope it has been theraputic for you as it has been for me. The future is bright, I truly believe that. Tomorrow we see the doctor in the morning and sometime tomorrow we will have a more technical update as to what's up with the cancer. Stay tuned! We still need to go up to the Mayo clinic for a couple days and meet with the CML experts, and 500 other things. Thank the good Lord I married Amanda!! Anyone who knows her knows that convincing her to marry me was the most hooked up sale of my eternal life! Make lots of comments on this blog and let us know what you want to know. Lastly, the support you have all shown so far is inspiring, humbling, and enabling to say the least. I will never be able to thank you all enough. With so many people struggling these days, I never dreamed I would be on this end of service. I only hope I can use my life to give back to others what I have gained from the people in my life!
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Awesome post brother!! You are an inspiration! I can't think of anyone else in the world that I would rather see kick the crap out of cancer than you, and I know that you will!! Thanks for putting this together and sharing on FB, it is good for all of us that care about you and your family to be able to live through it with you to a degree.
ReplyDeleteJust let me know when you leave for Mayo and I will be at your beckon call ;-)
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how difficult things must be for you and your family right now. My brother in law was diagnosed with Leukemia a couple years ago and treatments have been very successful....keep your spirits up! Thanks for sharing your journey with us....you are an inspiration! We are all thinking and praying for you!
ReplyDeleteHey its Kyle Holladay, Russ you are a inspiration. Keep up the positive attitude. Many prayers to you.
ReplyDeleteWe love the Russ family! We are here for you in any way needed. Know that you have been in our prayers everyday and will continue to be. Thanks for keeping everyone informed like this.
ReplyDeleteAmy and Ryan Cross
B, Shawn and I are following your posts and we are praying for you everyday, our hearts are breaking for you, Amanda and the children. Shawn and I relly would like to help you out in any way that we can, give us a call when you are feeling up to it, you are so amazing, a good husband and father, and you have always been a great friend, we love you honey!The Cronins
ReplyDeleteBRuss, Thank you very much for the inspiration, updates and for keeping it real for all of us who are following your progress. Well, one positive thing from your 'off' day is that you were able to relate more to your feminine side--nice work!! Continuing the prayers for you and your family :)
ReplyDeleteBeing in touch with your feminine side is always a good thing,I always knew you had it in you. Keeping it real is the only way to be! We love you!!!
ReplyDeleteBrian and family,
ReplyDeleteBeing a breastcancer survivor the best advice was given to me by my dad which is:
"Work when you can and rest when you need too."
Your body will tell you what you need to do.
You are in my prayers. Chris Kao (Ryan Drury's mom)
Hi Bryan,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this. How brave of you to keep a blog to keep all of your friends and family posted. I have to admit though when I was reading it, I couldn't believe you've never been more rebellious - of course I remember a crazy BRuss from school!
We see CML in dogs and cats and they actually respond really well to chemo and can live full, happy lives. I don't know anything about it in people, but if anyone can get through this, you can!
Stay strong. Let me know if you need anything when you're over here in Orlando.
~Alexis
Bryan,
ReplyDeleteI just knew you had that feminine side in ya. :) You are such a strong person. I knew from the moment I saw you with Amanda that you were exactly who Amanda wanted to find. I know you and her are the bestest of friends. You are a strength to people around and far from you. Go kick some CML BUTT for me....
We love you and your family. You guys are in our prayers.
Bro, you are the ultimate studly man of the century! I am so sad to hear about your health, but the way you are approaching it each day is second-to-none. I will absolutely be praying for you and your family. I hope you get better soon, and hope to cross paths with you again in the future. Keep the faith!!
ReplyDeleteWe are praying for you and your family. Surround yourself with positive, let go of the negative, lean on your loved ones, and know that God is always with you.
ReplyDeleteNatalie and Chad Watkins