Bad Day - This post is uncut and random. I'm just getting it out!

I have struggled as to whether I should do a post about a bad day but this is the reality of my situation sometimes I guess and maybe it will be good for me to get it out. since the moment I found out, I wanted to be an inspiration to others and a strength to others as they see me go through hell with a smile on. I wanted to be one of those people you hear about going through an overwhelming trial with this stellar attitude. But the truth is, even for those people, that parts of what we have to face really suck! I have learned today that our greatest strength can be found in our moments of greatest weakness. Here is my moment.

I really haven't had what I would call a bad day yet. I have felt bad physically but emotionally I have been super upbeat and happy. In fact I have been more grateful and filled with more joy and gratitude for the last week and a half than I have been in my whole life!! Today though has been quite a different story and I don't really know what is so different about today. I started feeling this way after they drew my blood this morning and I spoke with the doctor for a moment. He has done a great job of being positive. He only tells me the good stuff and avoids the negative even when I ask him straight questions. This is admirable but it is starting to frustrate me a lot! I read what the nurses in the hospital gave me about my type of Leukemia, Gleevac, chemotherapy, etc and it has all kinds of realities in it. I admire what the doctor is doing by being so focused on the good but I want it undiluted. Telling me the bad things that could happen does not depress me but keeping it from me is frustrating the crap out of me!! Tell me the cold hard reality; the good, the bad, and the ugly!! knowing the reality brings out the fight in me and gives me something to beat. I am a passionate person. I need a target! I need something to overcome!!! Give me a face for this thing other than my own!! Wow, in writing that I see that overcoming myself is probably the best solution.

I have never been what one might consider a rebellious person. I never snuck out as a kid or teenager, I have still never drank alcohol, I never once skipped school, etc. I was a bit crazy sometimes but not a rebel. I am finding with me though that the rebel comes out for the underdog. The one who has to beat the odds that are stacked against him. Don't tell me a thing cannot be done when I beleive it can be!! I will show you it can be done! My attitude becomes, "just watch me!"

I have felt pinned up today. I want to mow my lawn and get back to work!! I want to go running or build something!! The Bible warns against idleness and I can see why! It is depressing! A person needs a sense of accomplishment to remain up beat!

I have felt like a whiner today at times and I am so anti whiner that I am getting annoyed with my own whining!! Its a downward spiral. Moving on.

The future is so hard to plan right now!! I know I'm gonna live but what is life gonna be like for me, for my family, etc? what am I actually dealing with here? I guess the reality is that none of us know the future so an ambiguous future was the case before I found out I had leukemia as much as it is now. none of us know if we'll die in a car wreck tomorrow. We all face that everyday. I have heard it said that faith is knowing the good will come of whatever happens to us. I know that is true.

I am starting to feel better now. I'm like a woman these days; anemic, emotional, and don't need solutions, I just need to talk. Oooo, I think I am starting to feel better!

Well, if you have read to this point I hope it has been theraputic for you as it has been for me. The future is bright, I truly believe that. Tomorrow we see the doctor in the morning and sometime tomorrow we will have a more technical update as to what's up with the cancer. Stay tuned! We still need to go up to the Mayo clinic for a couple days and meet with the CML experts, and 500 other things. Thank the good Lord I married Amanda!! Anyone who knows her knows that convincing her to marry me was the most hooked up sale of my eternal life! Make lots of comments on this blog and let us know what you want to know. Lastly, the support you have all shown so far is inspiring, humbling, and enabling to say the least. I will never be able to thank you all enough. With so many people struggling these days, I never dreamed I would be on this end of service. I only hope I can use my life to give back to others what I have gained from the people in my life!

Thank you for caring about our family

I am one of Bryan's sisters and will be one of the authors to this blog. We will put updates here as often as there is an update to give. I am so glad we finally got this blog pulled together. So many people have been very concerned Bryan and his family. So many people have asked how they can help. So many people have already helped so much. We all want updates as to what is going on. The most recent good news is that Bryan is leaving the hospital today. His WBC count is at 89K (normal is still around 7K). He is still going to have to go up to the hospital everyday to get blood work done and they don't have all the answers yet, but he will get to be home with his family again. He is so excited to be around the kids again. (When we were watering my plants today. Bryton told me that his dad has better plants than me. I had to agree.)

Bryan and Amanda have been very hesitant to post ways for people to give financial support. It is hard for them ask for help. I am glad we convinced them to let us post it here on this blog. What they don't realize is that many many people want to help. Some people are too far away to help in other ways. They have many loved ones all over the country. Even $1 dollar from all of those who can would add up to quit a bit. The financial burdens they face are great. Luckily, he does have insurance but they have to meet the very high deductible now and again in January. Amanda is going to try and get on the schedule to work a couple nights a week at the hospital. Bryan was determined to try to get back to tiling tomorrow but the doctor said that he needs to rest for the next couple of weeks and we will go from there.

We love you Bryan!!

How Did You Know????

Many have been asking what made us go to the doctor.

There are lots of signs looking back, but what put us over the edge was discovering a lump in Bryan's belly. We had a case of food poisoning or stomach flu and Bryan felt something. At first, we thought it was cramping, poop, or something normal. After he was feeling better, the lump remained and was big, from his left side ribs down to his belly button. Then, we tried to decide where to go to get him evaluated...ER, urgent care or trying to set up a regular check up. Bryan was busy at work for a week, so we put it off. Then on Monday, October 26th, our plans were cancelled (Thanks for not opening your house for Bryan to work that day Brooks) and we decided to go on to an urgent care.

Once at Urgent Care, the Nurses took blood. After the first samples were taken, a nurse came back and said that the machine had put up this strange flag she had never seen and said it couldn't read the sample so she needed to re-draw the blood. She did and the same flag came up, so they said they needed to send off the blood to Orlando or Tampa, but it should be back in 30 to 45 minutes. The doctor felt the lump and said she believed it was a severely enlarged spleen, so lets wait on the blood. It could be any number of things, infections, etc. Well, after an hour or so of waiting for the blood, the doctor said why don't you go get some lunch and check back, which we did and it was still not back. We were about to head on home and check back later, when Bryan ran back in one last time to make sure and they had just gotten the results. We went back in the room to wait for the doctor. She came back and said that he had leukemia. She told us that his WBC (white blood cells) were 241,000 and that normal was 5-10,000. She said nothing else causes numbers like this and it's not easy to hear, but we needed to get him in the hospital right now and get chemo started today. So basically the doctor told us the good news was that the lump was not cancer, it was an enlarged spleen but the bad news was that the spleen was enlarged because of cancer!

Looking back, Bryan had lost 30 lbs, since June. We thought it was from a summer of door-to-door selling and drinking fruit smoothies in the morning. In fact, a few weeks before figuring out what was really going on, Bryan was amazed that he could see his abs when he flexed in his bathroom mirror. He would brag to me about how with just some walking and a fruit smoothie he was looking better than ever. He later admitted, "I thought I was blessed with sweet genetics, but no, it was just cancer!" Bryan was so tired he was falling asleep at work, he almost fell off the bucket he was sitting on while tiling a shower because he started knodding off. So he decided to lay down on the concrete floor for a "power nap" and woke up three hours later. He was always tired, but we have four kids. Bryan had been getting a lot of little sores on his forearms and lower legs that wouldn't heal, but maybe it was early symptoms of diabetes. Then just recently he discovered a few massive bruises and had no idea where they came from. Classic signs of cancer are unexplained weight loss, sores that don't heal, unusual bruising, fatigue, etc. at the time we didn't know the classic signs of cancer. Besides, cancer only happens to other people right?

Whatever questions you may have can be left in the comments. That way we'll know what ya'll want to know in future posts. Your prayers and encouragement are no small blessing and we thank you all deeply.